The secret to having everything is believing that you already do.: January 2011

When we are growing up, we all have big ideas and dreams about what we are going to be when we grow up. My best friend wanted to be an astronaut, and later an actress. Two of my friends and I thought we would be singers and call ourselves The Evergreens. I realized that was never going to happen one day when I realized I really couldn't sing! So besides that, all I've ever wanted to be was a mom. I wanted to be a mom with magical kisses that make the owies magically disappear. A mom that gets to kiss away the tears. I wanted to bake cookies for my children after school, and hear about their day. It's all I ever wanted.

So when I grew up a little bit. The beginning of my fourth semester at Snow College, I decided I was ready. I wanted to start my family. It's all I ever wanted. So I accidentally prayed my missionary home! I really wasn't sure that Heavenly Father was listening to me that night. I thought He probably took it all as the ramblings of a young tender heart. But He took me seriously! My countdown went from 101 days to 38 days! It was a little frightening actually. But Heavenly Father wouldn't have sent him home so early if it wasn't His will too. Be careful what you pray for, right. Actually, I've never regretted that prayer! I wasn't sure he would still want me. But miracle of miracles he did still want me, and five and a half months later we were sealed together in the Manti Temple.

Nine months later, we wanted to have a baby and start our little family. We started trying to conceive. It was heart wrenching. I wondered what was wrong with me. Every month came and went with bitter disappointment. Finally, a year later, glorious news! We were expecting our first baby. I was so excited, I told everyone I knew. I would finally get to be the mom I always wanted to be. But the Lord had other plans for us. I lost the baby at 10 weeks. My heart shattered into a million little pieces. Sometimes I wonder how I ever pulled it together, but I know I didn't do it alone. The doctor told me it happens more often than you think. She had a patient who had had 4 miscarriages and then was finally able to have children. That didn't bring me much comfort then, but it did later, when again, I miscarried. Again I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Why I was being denied the one thing that really mattered to me. But I tried to put my trust in my Heavenly Father. After what seemed like 50 gallons of blood taken for testing and other testing, and still more testing...nothing. There was no logical reason why I shouldn't be able to carry a baby to full term. There was nothing to fix. The next year, 2 more miscarriages. I lost hope. I never wanted to be pregnant again. I wanted my heart to be numb so it couldn't be broken again. I bottled up all the pain and the grief I was feeling inside of me because I felt like that was what was expected of me. So I tried not to think about it. I tried not to think about the children I had lost and the mother I could have been. But it was really hard. Easier around people. But hard when I was alone.

Then I found out I was expecting again. I was scared. I didn't want to be. Several times I thought I was losing her. But the Lord granted me a miracle. I carried Adelah full term. During labor her heart rate would race really fast and then plummet. My mind filled with terror as the machines kept beeping and my mom would run to find a nurse. I tried not to think about it. But the reality was real to me and I was terrified of losing this baby when I was so close. She was stuck in my pelvis and I couldn't progress. I ended up having a cesarean section. But she was here. I got to kiss her on the cheek and then she was taken away while they finished the surgery and stapled me back together. Then I was taken to the recovery room. While I was trying not to die, everyone else was holding the miracle I so longed to touch and hold in my arms. Finally. Finally my greatest miracle was placed in my arms and I was filled with joy! I was a mother! She was so perfect! A huge cone head for being stuck for so long, but she was beautiful!

Twelve months later....2 pink lines! This time I was a lot more hopeful that everything would be okay. The pregnancy went smoothly. There were no complications. I had the choice to deliver naturally or have another c-section. But my doctor said there was a 75% chance that the same thing would happen, that the baby would get stuck in my pelvis, and if it did, there was a 30% chance that the baby would die. I had lost too many babies already to take the chance, I was too afraid to try. So, another c-section and Leighna joined our family. As soon as she was born, she sneezed twice before she cried. But she was a healthy little baby. Again, I kissed her on the cheek and she was taken away. But this time I got to hold my second greatest miracle in the recovery room, before everybody else. Except The Babe of course, but the daddy deserves that privilege! She was perfect! No cone head this time, though. She was beautiful and so full of life. She never stopped wiggling. And she hasn't stopped since!

Eighteen months later, no double pink lines this time. This time I just knew! This pregnancy went smoothly as well. The only think was, this baby was big and stretched me to my breaking point. I thought my skin was just going to rip in half. My third greatest miracle weighed in at 9 lbs and 5 oz and this time I was extremely grateful for the c-section! Porter joined me in the recovery room where I got to snuggle him and love him. It's so much better that way. My life has so much purpose now. My children fill my life with joy and have made my life complete.

The pain and grief of the past were buried deep inside of me. In November I attended a Women's Conference. Every word spoken and every song sung unlocked a piece of my heart I was afraid to face. I cried, more like sobbed through most of the conference. I had a splitting headache by the end. But I came to realize that I didn't have to carry the hurt and grief inside of me. That is why My Savior suffered so much to provide the atonement. He has felt my pain and born my sorrows and He knows how to succor me. I just have to let Him. After that conference I felt such a burden lifted from my heart. I didn't have to carry it anymore. I am so grateful for my Savior. Where would we ever be without Him!

This past Thanksgiving Leighna asked me, "who is in yours tummy again?" I said, "no one." But a few days later, I found out I was expecting again. Leighna was right. What a joy. It was a little hard at first to wrap my head around 4 children, but I was really excited to see what the next sweet spirit would bring into our home. They are all so different!

January 10, 2011. I didn't want to look at the ultrasound monitor, but I was unable not too. I knew before the doctor told me...no fetal pull...no heartbeat...no life...there would be no baby. My fragile heart shattered again into a million tiny pieces. I've tried to pick up the pieces, but they just seem to crumble. I forgot that it just takes time. But I know that my Savior is there and that He can heal my heart. He has done it before and He will do it again. In time my wounds will be a scar. Always there to remind me how precious my children are. And someday...in seventy years or less...I will be able to raise my 5 other miracles in a perfect world. Where there is no temptation. Where there is no sin. Where there is no pain or grief or sorrow. And maybe by then I can be a perfect mother.

(Photo by Leighna, she's good!)

My kids really love to look at their baby books. Addie and Leighna were both lucky and were born in my scrap booking years. Every time we have guests, guess what is the first thing that gets pulled out. The baby books. Luckily most of my company is family, who are still enchanted by my children, so they don't mind sitting through the baby book tour for the thousandth time! There have been a few times that Addie has told me that I need to make a book for Porter, because he would really like one too. And after dragging Leighna's around the house for days saying, "baby. baby." I'm sure he really would like to see some baby pictures of himself. There is only one small, really BIG problem. Soon after my little man was born, I received a digital camera. Need I say more? Who prints pictures anymore???? Anyone??? Anyone besides Marie??? OK Then! Just kidding. I'm sure I probably stand alone. But I decided that I have to make Port a baby book. I have to do it. I don't know when, but sometime...in the middle of the night. Today I started my first step. (Yeah! I'm doing it!) So, I got on my computer and started sorting through pictures. I didn't sort them all, because I've tried that before, it gets me no where. I just went through and picked out all the pictures of Porter. I don't think I even made it through 2010 and I have 389 pictures of just Porter. I guess that's not too bad when you consider that is half of his life, but now I have to print them. Yikes. The sad thing is that is not even printing any of the girls or The Babe and no one really needs to see pictures of me. But that is beside the point. So I'm determined to make Port a book, but I might need a small fortune first! He is so stinkin' cute though. I got kind of excited about it today while I was going through his pictures. He's two it's about time I get started before he's not a baby anymore...oh wait...before he graduates from High School...maybe! HOPEFULLY!!!